So I’m feeling ok, but kind of dysphoric. Ok, very dysphoric. In the words of my roommate, dys5ic.

I know that HRT is magic and that in a few months I’ll be super pumped and be able to see the changes, but right now I’m just so impatient and even a little irritable?

Like the only thing that kept me going for such a long time was the need to get on T, and now that I’m on it (and not feeling too terribly about my chest dysphoria in terms of what’s making me feel bad at the moment), I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Like yeah, there are other causes, other things I love to do, and other big events that are happening in my life and the world right now. I’m filling up my time with Jewish events and protesting and class. But at the end of the day I don’t know if I’ll ever need something like I needed T ever again. And that scares me. I’m scared that I needed something so badly that it kept me alive, that it might ruin my relationship with my parents, that it was my one real focus and everything else fell to the wayside.

So that’s where I am right now. I’m mostly confused and a little in shock and done with the golden glow of victory. Waiting is terrible, but I don’t want time to pass any more quickly than it already does. It’s a struggle.

Also I’m hungry like 100% of the time this is my personal hell.

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