Content warning for dysphoria and ace bandage binding
So on February 23 of 2014, I walked to the CVS by my school and bought one of the thick ace bandages for wrapping your knee, drove home, and did drag for the first time. It was a small guilty pleasure I’d been denying myself for a really long time, and with the whirlwind of thoughts in my head, I let down my fears and just did it. I looked terrible. I was wearing a cheap neon green party wig that was cut like a pixie cut and a green homestuck shirt, but I looked in the mirror and began to uncontrollably sob.
In that moment, I admitted to myself that I was not a girl. Finally, who I was in my head had some iteration on the outside, and I needed it to stay that way. Before that moment, I couldn’t imagine next week, much less next month or next year. But when I looked in the mirror, I could see a way out of the darkness.
That was the beginning of a long journey full of labels, confusion and dealing with trauma that lead me to where I am today, three years later. I came out to my friends within a month. I couldn’t stand to be called “she” anymore. First it was ny/nym/nyr, then, when nobody could get the hang of it, they/them/their, and then, in the fall of 2015, he/him/his. I went from agender to genderfluid to just plain old nonbinary to a binary trans guy to a nonbinary trans guy. I finally got on T after 2 years and seven months of struggling (I didn’t want to go on T initially). I had to work through the fact that I was a man even though I didn’t want to be. I had to learn to feel again, and learn from those feelings.
But I still feel hopeless sometimes. Especially today. I was looking at photos with friends and I realized that I look exactly like I did when I was 14, over a year before I came out. All that’s changed is my hair and the fact that I trained my voice down (but not low enough to pass). It feels like a lost cause a lot, honestly. My dysphoria interferes with everything in my life, and it makes it hard to get out of bed sometimes. And there’s nothing I can do.
But my friends love me, and I have a family that I chose, even if I can never tell my parents that I went on T (I mean they’ll find out eventually but still). I guess I just need to remember that even if the Commander and Cheeto of the USA takes away all my rights, I’ll still have them. They give me strength, even when we’re not together, even when we haven’t spoken in months, even when I don’t feel like they’re there. I know that my community has my back. And I love them
Happy Birthday to Me. I’m only just 3. I had to go back and restart puberty. 😛
This week was pretty weird honestly. I was pretty on-edge, but it wasn’t bad. 75% of what’s happening is I’m getting really bad acne, but the other 25% is fun!
My voice got noticeably deeper! It was rad. I was editing my podcast with my roommate (I’ll post the podcast itself in a bit), and I heard myself and I was like wow??? 2 weeks and it already sounds like I’ve got a bad cold but without the scratchy part! I mean it wouldn’t necessarily be noticeable to someone who was with me for the whole two weeks, but I compared it to the intro and it was there!
I also started working out. I did a fitness class tonight and I hurt so much. It was really fun though. Martin is really sweet and I had a good time.
Ballet is the *best*. I can do the posture, though my turnout is terrible, and I look like a prince and I just feel so etherial and soft but also masculine I love it. Who knew I could feel masculine in leggings?
I also went to a barber for the first time. He was really chill and my hair looks rad. I do low-key look like a fuckboy though. Either way it makes me feel confident. But barbers are actually the coolest. Why was this kept from me for so long???
~~~~ below this line is probably tmi viewer discretion advised~~~~
Anyway, the thing that they tell you but you don’t realize how bizarre it is is random boners. Like, I knew that they happened. I wasn’t exactly clueless and not friends with guys in middle school. It’s just… Annoying. It’s not like it can be seen (thank the lord for that), but it’s super uncomfortable and then I feel weird about it. And they happen at the most inconvenient times! Like during tests! Why are you turned on by my Hebrew quiz??? What’s wrong with you??? Idk man. Just figured it should be there for the *authenticity* or whatever.
So I’m feeling ok, but kind of dysphoric. Ok, very dysphoric. In the words of my roommate, dys5ic.
I know that HRT is magic and that in a few months I’ll be super pumped and be able to see the changes, but right now I’m just so impatient and even a little irritable?
Like the only thing that kept me going for such a long time was the need to get on T, and now that I’m on it (and not feeling too terribly about my chest dysphoria in terms of what’s making me feel bad at the moment), I just don’t know what to do with myself.
Like yeah, there are other causes, other things I love to do, and other big events that are happening in my life and the world right now. I’m filling up my time with Jewish events and protesting and class. But at the end of the day I don’t know if I’ll ever need something like I needed T ever again. And that scares me. I’m scared that I needed something so badly that it kept me alive, that it might ruin my relationship with my parents, that it was my one real focus and everything else fell to the wayside.
So that’s where I am right now. I’m mostly confused and a little in shock and done with the golden glow of victory. Waiting is terrible, but I don’t want time to pass any more quickly than it already does. It’s a struggle.
Also I’m hungry like 100% of the time this is my personal hell.
So my name is Zane and this is my transition blog. I’m going to keep all of the information on my transition here. I make youtube videos once in a blue moon and I am 1/2 of the Pretty Buoys Podcast team. 🙂
I’m currently 1 week and 1 day on T. Nothing has really happened yet, but that’s to be expected.
Thanks for looking!